I’m so confused and don’t know what to do anymore…
My guy is displaying signs of a possessive boyfriend. And it’s ruining our relationship and well-being.
Is a possessive man dangerous? Or Is possessiveness a sign of love?
Jessica has only been dating Paul for about five months, but she feels she’s known him forever.
Paul’s an amazing guy. He makes her laugh whenever she’s down. But his possessiveness has gotten really bad lately.
He knows it’s wrong to think that way, but he can’t seem to help it.
He gets really anxious over things she does or wears because he thinks she’s either trying to draw too much attention to herself or putting herself in a situation that isn’t safe for her.
He gets anxious when she walks around the neighbourhood, goes to the gym, or even goes shopping.
He thinks all her jeans are too short. Doesn’t allow her to wear leggings and spandex compression shorts to the gym.
On several occasions, Paul’s asked her, “Why do you still need the attention of other guys when you already have a boyfriend?”
She had to explain that getting dressed makes her feel good about herself. “I already have self-esteem issues. I just want to feel pretty.” She added.
But Paul literally hates to see other guys look at her. He immediately assumes they’re going to have sexual thoughts about her.
All his worries and anxiety are frustrating and overwhelming. And it’s driving her nuts.
She wanted some help.
There’s nothing attractive about being possessive.
Partners show concerns and check in on each other.
But there’s a slim line between being a protective boyfriend and a possessive boyfriend.
The problem is that determining whether you’re in a possessive relationship can be difficult,
Especially because the need for control is sometimes masked as concern for your well-being.
9 Signs Of A Possessive Boyfriend (And What To Do)
1. They Decide What You Must Wear.
Does your boyfriend try to control what you wear? If yes, that’s a sign of a possessive boyfriend.
A case in point:
Paul really gets mad at Jessica for wearing short jeans or too tight clothes.
Funny enough, when she’s at work,
he frequently calls or drop-in especially when he’s anxious and starts to get hot-headed and bombard her with questions
About what she’s doing, what she’s putting on, who she’s talking to or who looked at her etc.
Most times, she’s had to lie about her dress just to preserve his mood because he doesn’t want her wearing spandex to the gym.
Or anything that would expose any part of her body or too tight.
He usually felt much better if she told him she wore long jeans to the gym when she really wore spandex.
He practically tries to control her appearance: everything she wears and the type of hair she makes.
Here’s the thing:
A man who truly loves and cares about you will never make bad comments about what you’re wearing or make you second-guess your choice of clothing.
Sure, he can tell you what he doesn’t like about your choice of outfit, but not to the point of trying to control you or frequently getting mad at you – like Paul.
When a guy is obsessed with what you wear or how you look to the point of becoming enraged, that’s a sign of possessiveness in a man.
Anger is a volatile emotion that can easily escalate into violence. And that’s an early signs of abuse in a relationship.
2. They Get Super Jealous.
“While love is a healthy emotion, jealousy is an illness.
The immature mind frequently confuses the two or thinks that the stronger the love, the stronger the jealousy.”
Chances are, your boyfriend gets paranoid when other guys come around you.
If that’s true for you, Mirabel’s story will resonate.
She’s been in a relationship with Nick for about four months. After three months together, they finally had sex…and that was when their relationship got worse and worse…
He just became overly possessive.
Nick used to be so sweet, but now he’s become a pain in her butt.
Mirabel’s a Forensic Science major. And most of the people in her study group are guys.
Nick knows about them.
But whenever they’re in the middle of a study session, he always wants to Face-Time with her and to watch her study.
And if she hangs up on him, he usually gets pissed off, saying it’s because she’s doing something with them.
He even accused her of sleeping with her male’s friends in her study group.
And also, when they’re out on dates, if she doesn’t want to hold his hands, he would start to say it’s because she doesn’t want other guys around to know they’re together.
Not only that, when she smiles at the waiter in a restaurant, he immediately thinks she’s flirting with other guys in his face.
If you’ve been wondering, “what are the signs of a jealous man?” here’s an obvious truth about the early signs of a controlling man.
He hates to see you spend time with friends and sometimes even family and tries to keep you away.
A possessive boyfriend will do everything in his power to keep you away from anyone who poses a threat to him.
And if he thinks your male friends would get in the way, he’ll come up with various reasons why he doesn’t want you to speak with them.
According to a recent psychological study, a possessive man will try to turn you against your family and friends.
As a result, you no longer have a support system. You’ll have no one but him to rely on.
Sure, there will be some element of jealousy in any relationship; however, it’s worth noting if your partner is completely consumed by it.
If you haven’t betrayed his confidence — let’s say by cheating on him — jealousy is most often the result of insecurity or a destructive craving for control.
3. They Often Keep A Tab On Your Call And Message List
Leno frequently gets upset and self-conscious at the prospect he isn’t enough for Edith. Clearly, he has some self-esteem and insecurity issues to deal with.
They’ve just been dating for five months.
Edith has a lot of male friends.
But they don’t live in the same town as her.
And her relationship with them is 100 per cent platonic. And besides, she’s known them way before she met Leno.
However, whenever they call, email or text her –which is infrequent, Leno always gets upset about it.
He constantly screens her phone calls, questions her about who she is calling or talking with. She can’t even start a text message without him asking who she’s texting.
Sometimes, when she comes out of the restroom, she finds her boyfriend is on her phone, scrolling through it.
He looks guilty when she asks him what he’s up to. He was hunting for proof that she was texting other guys.
And he constantly calls or texts her when she’s not home.
Asking questions like,
“Where are you?” “Why did you leave the house?” “When are you coming home?” “Who are you with?” and all…
And get mad when she doesn’t respond right away.
Or he ignores her after that. This is because he is so certain that she’s cheating on him.
Now, a little jealousy here and there is not a crime in the early stages of a relationship.
Initially, the additional attention is gratifying.
However, you must be aware of the fine line separating being a possessive partner from being overly protective.
4. He Tracks Your Location Without Your Permission.
Judith officially started dating Mat about three months ago.
They’ve known each other almost their whole life. She thinks he’s a sweetheart and works really hard, too.
They got along pretty well, except for two or three occasions when she felt extremely uncomfortable and almost disrespected.
And these incidences seem to just blow over without Mat ever talking about them or bringing it up.
From the get-go, she noticed him being kind of nosy about whom she was snap-chatting and talking to, but she just ignored him.
But he really crossed the line when he started tracking where she goes on snapchat maps without her knowing.
Judith recently had to drop off some stuff to a co-worker who lives about a few kilometres away from her ex’s place.
Unknown to her, Mat tracked her location and started accusing her of being at her ex’s place.
He even screenshot it and showed it to her…and later asked her a bunch of questions.
Controlling boyfriends have been known to install tracking applications on their girlfriend’s phones, constantly tracking your whereabouts.
This is not acceptable.
A possessive partner will want to keep up with you at all times.
He’s curious about everything you do.
The majority of controlling men will keep track of your movements. He thinks you’re cheating on him.
Look carefully. This is one of the signs of a possessive boyfriend, especially at the early dating stage.
5. He Uses The Information You Confided In Him Against You.
There are times in every romantic relationship when they feel entirely united.
You have the option of disclosing information that no one else has access to.
You’re dating a jealous boyfriend if he uses anything you told him about yourself that no one else knows against you.
A loving man will not pass judgment on you based on your past.
He’ll be a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen to, and once he’s given you advice, he won’t say anything about it again.
6. He Withholds Information
It is a red flag and totally unacceptable if your boy forgets to deliver a message from your brother to you.
If he forgets that your mother stopped by to see you or an important message from a male friend,
he is a possessive person, especially on things that could be very important to you but make him feel threatened.
He has no excuse for not delivering your messages to you.
Just know that his objective is to make you believe he is the only person who cares about you.
He’ll move in even stronger once you’ve become so estranged from your family that you don’t even phone home except on holidays.
7. He Has A Short Temper.
Your partner may be possessive if he has anger issues early in the relationship.
A guy who is a control freak has little to no patience. As a result, even minor issues might cause tension, which can escalate into a violent brawl or tantrum.
Even the tiniest thing you say or do can set him off.
8. He Wants You To Spend All Your Time With Him.
Does your boyfriend want to be with you all the time?
This may appear cute and nice, but it merely reflects his fears. It causes him to become overly attached to you.
He fears that he isn’t good enough for you and that you might cheat on him, he gets terrified if you don’t pick his calls on time and can continue to call you until you pick.
Also, he’s quick to say “I love you” and wants you to do the same for him. He constantly needs the reassurance of your love for him.
The dread of being abandoned will always be present in a possessive boyfriend.
He starts making up stories in his head because he’s scared of losing you, and he becomes increasingly desperate to keep you by all means possible.
He may even become enraged, aggressive, and violent due to his inability to cope with his fear of abandonment, resulting in physical assault.
9. He Has Sudden Mood Swings.
Abusive relationships are characterized by unstable moods, jealousy, insecurity,
And wrath. In intimate relationships, mental, verbal, and physical abuses are all fueled by unpleasant feelings.
It can be a warning flag if your boyfriend’s mood swings from sweet to angry within a second and then act in a way that makes you scared.
Frequently asked questions
Is My Boyfriend Possessive?
Love is freedom. Your boyfriend is possessive if you don’t feel free.
Here’s what I mean:
“Many people mistakenly believe that love entails completely possessing another person, but this is not the case.
Possessing someone is putting an end to any possibility of genuine love.”
Obsession is not the same as love.
If your boyfriend actually loves you, you will feel free and liberated.
What starts out as a little jealousy can quickly escalate into possessiveness and control.
This can escalate to emotional and physical abuse.
There’s a thin line between being a protective boyfriend and being a possessive boyfriend. In a romantic relationship, most people are possessive.
But, just because your boyfriend tends to be possessive does not mean he should control or manipulate you.
However, if he prohibits you from living your dream life, limits your social interactions,
And refuses to support your personal development because of his anxieties and unhealthy relationship viewpoint, it’s time to wake up and act.
Possessiveness should never be taken lightly in a romantic relationship.
Why Would A Guy Become Possessive?
There’s a vast difference between belonging to a guy and being possessed by him in a relationship.
This is a difficult concept for most of us because all possessive relationships start as the most romantic fairy tales.
You believe you’ve finally met the right guy who genuinely loves and cares for you.
Your judgment is clouded by the passion and intense component of the connection.
As a result, you ignore or dismiss the warning signs and red flags that indicate you may be dating a possessive boyfriend.
“Possessiveness reflects the fear of losing.” – Abhi.
Insecurity about attachment types is a common cause of possessiveness.
People who suffer from attachment anxiety have a negative self-perception and a positive perception of others.
They’re concerned that their partners are untrustworthy.
They have a constant worry of being rejected. And that’s what scares them.
How Do You Know Your Boyfriend Is Possessive?
All you have to know is to check out signs of possessiveness as outlined in this article in your boyfriend. Does he possess these qualities? And to what degree
You need to know what you’re up against.
What Makes Possessiveness Dangerous?
A possessive boyfriend can be dangerous not only to your relationship but also to your mental and emotional health.
A possessive boyfriend who lacks the self-control to prevent aggression can act dangerously if left unchecked.
They can rapidly become violent if they feel threatened or fear losing you.
According to studies, around 14,000 women are assaulted every day, and four women are killed by their possessive partners.
Another study on intimate partner violence indicated that 69 per cent of adult women had been physically abused
By an intimate male partner during their relationship, based on data from 48 separate population-based surveys.
At first, it may appear romantic to have a guy who loves you so much that he refuses to give up on you, but in reality,
it is a perfect recipe for an abusive and toxic relationship.
You should not be treated as a trophy your partner must win in a relationship.
A relationship with a possessive partner might jeopardize your peace of mind, mental health, and happiness.
So, Is A Possessive Man Dangerous?
The answer is YES.
How Do I Deal With A Possessive Boyfriend?
“Any form of jealousy is impossible for a competent and self-assured individual. Uncontrollable insecurity is always accompanied by jealousy.”
The major reason a possessive boyfriend is controlling is due to a severe lack of self-esteem and self-love.
They believe they need you to be secure and happy for them to be happy.
And the root cause of possessives is fear of abandonment, helplessness and rejection.
Here are some strategies for dealing with possessiveness in a love relationship:
1. Boost your self-esteem and confidence
2. Talk to your partner
3. Expect retaliation
4. Give him time
5. Never accept toxic possessiveness
6. Recommend he visits a therapist
We must love and be loved in a way that we and the people we love feel free.