a guy holding his girlfriend from leaving

Why Can’t I Get Over My Ex: Top 10 Reasons Why It’s Difficult

Walking away from a romantic relationship is hard. Believe me; it’s even more difficult if the breakup was never your idea to start with.

Little wonder, many people find it challenging to get over failed romantic relationships.

In a moment, I’m going to share with you “why can’t I get over my ex : 10 reasons why it’s difficult

Whether you just broke up with your ex, or it’s been months or even years, and you thought by now you’d have moved past it…but somehow, you can’t, this article is for you.

But Before We Dive Right In, Let Me Share My Breakup Experience With You

Before I dived into the dating pool, I didn’t quite have any girl I was insanely in love with. And when I did start dating for the first time, I had a hard time being rejected.

I’m not going to pretend or sugarcoat anything here; a breakup is painful.

I could remember how miserable I was in the first couple of months after heartbreak. It actually took me months to get over my hang-ups.

I met this gorgeous and beautiful ebony girl in my final year at the university. Believe me; she was beautiful (I like pretty girls with great character and maturity).

It took me that long because, at first, I had this burning desire and obsession about becoming a Chemical Engineer. So, I never had time for a romantic relationship (it didn’t even cross my mind).

Anyway, we dated for two years. And trust me; during this period, like every other person, I had imagined our future together.

Repeatedly, I pictured her, smiling at me at our wedding. We had even discussed the number of kids we would have and what we would name them. And of course, places we’d visit for vacation and stuff like that.

I fell in love with this girl really hard. And one day, all of a sudden, it was all over just like that.

It took me several painful months to get myself together (even though I was the one who called it quit). It was months of dealing with emotions like anger, doubts, regrets, and even bitterness.

I was deeply hurt because I thought we were going to spend our lives together. (In my anger and pain, I began to think, “This is the sort of mindset you have when you’re naïve…”).

But at the same time, I thought to myself, what’s the point of being in a romantic relationship if you’re not considering spending your lives together? After all, “when you’re not dating for marriage, automatically you are dating to breakup.”

Plus, I hated (still hate) hopping from one relationship to another.

Although I honestly wanted the relationship to work out, it didn’t, and there was nothing I could do about it.

For several months, I was miserable and lovesick. I dreaded finding someone new; a time came when I knew I needed to move on with my life.

But There Was A Problem

“You see, I could have moved past the heartbreak a lot sooner if I had known what was responsible for my hang-ups (in my subconscious mind)…and how to properly address it.”

But for whatever reason, I couldn’t just figure it out…I guess I was deeply immersed in former flames that I couldn’t see past it to think about giving my love life a fresh start.

And not until I understood the reasons behind my preoccupation and dilemma did I begin to make reasonable progress.

Fast forward till today (as I write this), I love myself; I’m more confident, happier, optimistic about the future, passionate about helping people experience amazing relationships and more…

Enough About Me: Now Let’s Talk About You…

You see, it’ll be impossible for you to find true love and fulfillment in other relationships if you haven’t learned to let go of the things that are holding you back.

If you don’t deal with your emotional problems, you’ll become a slave to them. And trust me, you can’t find the love you deserve and desire this way.

“If you don’t take the time to heal from your hurt, you’ll keep bleeding on those who didn’t cut you.”

Hence, the first step to finding unshakable confidence, genuine happiness and lasting love life again is to understand your drawbacks (things responsible for your mood).

Why Can’t I Get Over My Ex: Top 10 Reasons Why It’s Difficult

1. Grieving The Potential In A Relationship

You’ve probably seen the movie “Acrimony.” The 2018 Psychological Thriller movie was written, directed and produced by Tyler Perry. If you haven’t seen it, you should (you will learn a lot about how not to handle heartbreak).

In the movie, Taraji P. Henson, who starred as Melinda Moore, grieved over the potential of her failed love relationship with her ex-husband Lyriq Bent (as Robert Gayle).

Almost every one of us (at least at first) grieves the potential of our failed romantic relationships.

Perhaps, you’re doing that right now.

You see, the unfulfilled hopes and dreams you had for what could have developed with the other person can trap you in the past and make it hard for you to let go. (This was the case with Melinda Moore).

This can also happen when you fix your mind on the plans you had with this person that never materialized. Your imaginations are fueled by the lingering fantasy thoughts of “if only…”

Often, this happens even when we are not aware on a conscious level, but this kind of thought creeps in and occupies our subconscious minds.

To move past this hang-up, you’ve to pay careful and deliberate attention to your thought patterns.

Yea, it’s true. You made many plans, had your hopes high and even dreamt about the future with your ex. But now that the relationship didn’t work out as planned, are you going to keep living in the past?

I must say, it isn’t easy to let go, though. Melinda Moore couldn’t let go. She was so consumed with rage, resentment and bitterness that she died in the process of trying to get revenge.

Don’t be like Melinda Moor!

No doubt, you were rejected. And it hurt you deeply, shattered your self-confidence and caused you pain.

But you know what? Stewing over “what could have been…” and/or “what if…” will prevent you from moving forward.

2. Loss Of Confidence And Self-Esteem

Remember I said, “I dreaded the thought of finding someone new?” that was a temporary loss of confidence for me even though I’m a guy with a pretty good amount of self-esteem.

I was really getting to know and be comfortable with my ex, and all of a sudden, it was over. That’s why it takes time to let go.

Let’s face it; it isn’t that easy to let go, especially if you’ve been in a long-term romantic relationship and really love this person.

Many people dread the thought that they may never find anyone as amazing as their ex.

This can make it scary getting back out there. So they fix their mind on what was and try to change their ex’s mind once they have tapped out.

Unhealthy self-esteem can also make it hard to let go, particularly if you were in an abusive relationship. Your self-image may have taken quite a decline or a knock.

If you were in a relationship where your partner constantly puts you down or didn’t appreciate how amazing of a person that you are… then, you believe their opinion of you.

To move past it, you should begin to look inward for your worth. Develop the mindset of abundance. Understand that there are many people out there who will love and appreciate you for who you are.

3. Thinking That You’ll Never Find Somebody Else

A lot of people have this mindset, particularly those who left a relationship against their will…”they will never find someone like their ex.”

In a sense, this is true. Your ex is a unique being, and no one in this world is quite like them.

However, I want you to understand that you can find someone who’s equally compatible –or even more like-minded with you.

After all, if your ex were that compatible and perfect for you, they wouldn’t have broken up with you.

See, even if you succeed in changing your ex’s mind to remain in the relationship (out of a sense of duty), a one-sided relationship isn’t good for you in any way.

If you think you won’t be able to find someone like your ex, and that’s why you can’t seem to get past the heartbreak, then it’s obvious the issue has more to do with your inner neediness than how great of a person your partner was.

If you find being alone terrifying, then you may have some self-worth issues to deal with. The best way is to remain single for a while so you can work on those areas.

The bottom line is that…you can never attract the right person into your life when you’re always emotionally needy.

There’s nothing wrong with being alone for a while, and not until you learn to be alone (single) you can never live with someone else.

4. Not Enough Time Has Passed

If you’ve been silently asking, “why can’t I get over my ex?” it might just be due to this…

It would help if you took the time to heal.

Not enough time may have passed since your heartbreak.

There’s no need to beat yourself up about this, especially if you really loved this person and the relationship lasted for long.

Here’s why you need time to heal…

There are some patterns of behaviours and habits you developed in your previous relationship with your ex.

When you let go of what you’re used to or familiar with and then thrusting yourself into a new situation, it can be hard to adjust yourself and get comfortable.

Honestly, a breakup is like losing a piece of you.

Now, here’s another side to it. If it has been long you broke up (like years) and you still can’t get past it, then perhaps there’s something else you need to pay attention to (read the next point).

5. Your Environment Keeps Reminding You About Your Ex

It’s impossible to get over a failed relationship with an ex-partner when you have things around reminding you of them.

Sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is to wipe out the old slate and start all over-particularly if your lives were so intertwined.

Here’s what I’m trying to say…

Everything (no matter how little) in your environment will keep reminding you of your ex and, as such, will re-trigger the thought and pattern you’ve associated with them.

To deal with this situation, you might want to consider moving to another neighbourhood or town. Start something different or new. Create new memories and make new friends. Take up new hobbies.

“You only learn new things about yourself when you do new things with yourself.”

6. You’re Lonely

why can't i get over my ex because i am lonely

When someone keeps asking, “Why can’t I get over my ex,” this is probably the reason.

A lack of deep and meaningful relationships with other human beings is one of the causes of depression. As a human, understand that you’re a social being.

Research done in the London School of Economics says that “the key to happiness isn’t found in wealth as we’ve been made to believe. Rather, it’s found in having good friendship and mental health.”

I’ve observed that we’re encouraged to concentrate our attention and love on our romantic partner in our society.

And in the process, we failed to realize that we can develop other significant relationships with friends, co-workers and even neighbours.

You see, without significant relationships in our lives, we can begin to feel lonely. This can then develop into anxiety and, of course, depression.

Many people believe that they can only be their true selves around their partner. Once they lose that person, then it becomes impossible to have any other emotional intimacy or connections in their lives.

Lack of emotional connection with other people can make it nearly impossible to get over your ex. This is so because your ex was the only source of vibe and important energy in your life.

The best approach to handle this is to realize that you can develop other intimate friendships and connections with friends, family and anyone…

And guess what? Your connection with them doesn’t always have to be in the context of a romantic relationship.

Not having someone to be authentic with can be one of the hardest changes people can go through. Eventually, though, the grand solution here is to become the kind of person who can let others in.

And once you can do this, you’d be shocked by the kind of trust and love that will flow from other people towards you.

7. You Still Keep In Touch With Your Ex

If you keep contacting your ex, it might just be the reason you haven’t moved on.

Like I suggested before, you should start creating new memories on your own. Forge a new course; thrust yourself into a cause you believe in. This has to happen without your ex, or you getting to see them.

Follow the no contact rule (unless you have something in common…like children). Limit your contact as much as possible, and communicate your boundaries.

8. Cyber Stalking

If you’re still stalking your ex on every social media platform, you’re not yet over them.

Going through their profile pages, viewing their status or pictures, or always being on the lookout for signs of new life or who they hang out with, shows that you’re still very much lovesick.

Behaviors like this mean they still occupy a lot in your mental space, which leaves little or no room for your improvement, healing or new relationships.

9. Fantasizing About Re-Union And Over Idealizing Your Ex

This is probably one reason most people get stuck on an ex (who is abusive or bad for them).

Over –idealizing happens when you refuse to see people for what they really are. You put them up on a false or inaccurate, or unhealthy pedestal.

Instead of seeing them for what they truly are, you view them through a rose-tinted mirror, which makes them appear far better than what they are.

Over-idealizing causes us to crave for a person or relationship that doesn’t really exist. Such relationships only exist in our heads (imagination).

Again, most people spend time looking back into their past relationships and cling to the good memories instead of remembering why it didn’t work out and the lessons to learn.

Over-idealizing your past relationship and fantasizing about re-union with your ex blind your eyes to why the relationship isn’t good for you.

This creates an idealized version of what transpired. It can prevent you from moving forwards and leave you carrying plenty of baggage.

10. Haven’t Had Closure

It’s possible that your ex ghosted you, so you haven’t had the closure you needed to move passed it.

Understand that getting a closure as to why the relationship ended is important. But most time, you aren’t going to get it because your partner may not open up and tell you the actual reason they broke up with you.

Here’s what Abigail Brenner wrote in Psychology Today about what closure means. She says, “Closure means finality. I.e. letting go of what once was.”

In other words, closure means getting to understand the exact reason a relationship ended (that’s if they open up) so you no longer feel the emotional attachment or pain associated with the relationship.

You see, it is a complete acceptance of your situation.

To transition successfully, you must grieve the loss, accept responsibility for where you are, focus on the good side, and make plans for the future.

Final Thoughts

“Why can’t I get over my ex?” is such a popular topic because every one of us, sooner or later, would have to deal with heartbreak or rejection.

Few things in life are more traumatic than being rejected by someone who once claimed they loved you and then, all of a sudden, and for whatever reason, decide that they no longer want to be with you.

I’ve dealt with several rejections in my little stay on earth. And one thing about me is this…

“I’ve learned not to take rejection personally or conclude that love is not for me. I believe so much in relationships.”

And I want you to develop the same mindset.

The breakup was not your fault. Relationships are complicated because people are complex.

Love is beautiful and pure. In fact, it’s the very nature of God. So it wasn’t love that hurts you. You were hurt by someone who didn’t just know how best to love you. And that doesn’t make love bad.

Find the strength to love again; give love a chance.

Don’t give up on love. Sooner than you think, you’re going to meet someone who will love you the way you want to be loved.

Have you ever experienced heartbreak before? How about rejection? send me am email let’s talk about it.

Remember, we aren’t just sharing stories…we are changing lives. please share with friends if you find this article valuable.

Nelson Whetat is a dating coach who is fascinated by human psychology and passionate about helping single women understand men, increase their desirability and attractiveness so they can get their dream man. He’s also a marketer and direct response copywriter who enjoys crafting attention grabbing and emotional compelling content and stories to sell digital products

4 thoughts on “Why Can’t I Get Over My Ex: Top 10 Reasons Why It’s Difficult”

    1. You’re welcome

      Interesting question…

      Here’s the thing Bright,

      We all do not handle breakup the same way. Sadly, many of us (particularly guys) indulge in drinking just to forget the pain. But the truth is, drinking yourself to stupor is never the solution. In fact, it is a short term strategy. By the time you regain your senses after it influence must have diminished, the pain resurfaces again.

      There are lots of healthy ways to go about healing and getting over one ex. One of them is to spend time with your friends. That’s why it’s better to develop significant relationships (outside your romantic relationship).

  1. Arukusi Ghomi Joyce

    Very interesting sir, tnk u so much 4 dis. It’s not quite easy moving on from hrt break. By d Grace of God everything will fall in place again. My advice 2 others is no matter wat happened in ur previous relationship take tym 2 heal and never give up on luv.

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