I don’t get it.
Or am I just crazy?
We act like a couple but we are not official
Why does he keep acting like my boyfriend but say he doesn’t want a relationship?
Clara has been in this situation for seven months with Willis,
Who acts like her boyfriend but never once asked her to be his girlfriend or even defined the relationship.
What they have is more than friends with benefits, but not a relationship.
He calls her pet names (like baby, sweetie, honey, etc.)
He tells her he loves her and shows his feelings.
He’s very affectionate in public and holds her hands.
They go on trips together and share the same bed.
He’s always there for her and genuinely cares about her well-being.
What she doesn’t understand is, “Why would a guy do all of these things but still refuse to commit?
Since they’re living as a couple already.
She feels like he’s her boyfriend, but deep down, she knows they aren’t exclusive.
She messaged me saying, “Together but not together.”
We act like a couple but are not official: what should I do?”
If this is what you’re going through, you’re in the right place.
In this article, I’ll show you why he doesn’t want to commit and what to do to get the relationship you deserve.
Ready for it?
Let’s jump right in.
We Act Like A Couple But We Are Not Official: 6 Reasons Why
1. He Probably Thinks You’re Okay With How Things Are
Deborah, one of my clients, wrote me recently about her situation.
They have been dating for four months.
They text every day and talk on the phone for hours.
They go on dates, spend the night at each other’s place, cuddle and have sex.
They even go on road trips together.
But she was confused because Chris was comfortable with the way things were. But she wanted more.
Why hasn’t he asked me to be his girlfriend?
What’s taking him so long? She asked.
The problem is that Deborah assumed they were on the same page since Chris gave her his undivided attention, time, and care.
And because she never brought it up, Chris felt the same way.
“He couldn’t be seeing other girls since he was always around me and giving me attention.” She said.
So, she never suspected anything.
But the truth is, because a guy gives you his time and attention doesn’t mean he wants anything serious with you.
Here’s how I like to put it:
“Blindly assuming that a guy wants the same things as you just because he’s giving you his attention and time can cost you your dreams.”
Think about it for a moment…
If you’ve never taken the time to talk to a guy about what you want,
It’s only normal for him to assume you both are on the same page.
It’s safe for him to assume you’re satisfied with your pseudo-relationship.
So, you shouldn’t expect him to define the relationship.
Hence, if you’re wondering how to tell a guy you don’t want to be friends with benefits anymore,
You should sit him down and tell him about your expectations and standards.
Learn to communicate your standards.
They aren’t a luxury. They are a necessity.
Besides, you can’t accuse a guy of stringing you along if you willingly accept and stay with him without making it official.
2. He’s Scared Of Commitment
Has he been making excuses upon excuses why he can’t commit?
Maybe he says he wants to focus more on his career.
Or he isn’t in a better place financially. Or he just got out of an abusive relationship.
However he says it, it doesn’t matter.
What’s important is that he tells you he isn’t ready for any commitment.
And that’s all you should know.
But, of course, you love him.
You believe that if you give him enough time, he might change.
You innocently convince yourself that he’s trying to get himself together so he can ask you out or move the relationship forward.
And you keep waiting – forever!
What I’m about to say is probably not what you want to hear. But I’ll say it anyways.
You’re probably dealing with a commitment-phobe.
He may be interested in you, but he’s scared of a committed relationship.
So, how do you expect him to move things forward?
I once heard a quote by Maya Angelou,
“The first time people show you who they are; believe them.”
In other words, you need to stop expecting more than someone has shown you.
If a guy has shown you he can’t commit, you need to accept that reality of who he is.
His potential is irrelevant. How you feel about him is irrelevant.
How the guy treats you right now is all that matters,
And if you don’t like it, you have to love yourself enough to walk away.
After all, the more time you spend with a guy who isn’t ready to commit,
The less time you have to meet someone who is.
I know you love this guy. Probably you haven’t felt this way for a guy in a long while.
But the truth remains that he isn’t ready to commit.
3. He’s Using You
Men use women for many reasons: sex, money, ego-boosting, and many more.
A guy could be there for you only when it’s convenient for him,
As long as he’s getting what he wants, or you’re meeting his needs.
He keeps telling you what you want to hear showering you with attention and affection.
But deep within him, he isn’t looking for anything long-term with you.
But when there are problems in your relationship, he will permanently abandon you.
4. You’re In Friends With Benefits
So, you meet this cute guy with a great personality.
He’s gentle yet passionate. And you’ve fallen deeply in love with you.
However, you soon realize that he isn’t over his ex. He can’t forget her.
But you don’t want to lose him. So you settle for friends with benefits.
Whenever he’s bored or having a bad day, he calls you over to spend some time with him and pass the night.
And it has become a cycle.
But since you love him, a part of you wishes he was fully yours.
You wish that he could see you the way you see him. You wish he could commit.
Well, if you happen to be in this dating dynamic,
It’s probably the reason for your situationship.
This guy thinks you’re in a friend-with-benefits relationship.
So why would he want to change that?
You’re probably wondering: how long can a “friends with benefits” relationship last? So you can put an end to it.
The truth is, there’s no specific time frame. As long as he’s getting the benefit of sex from you, the relationship will continue.
But if you want to learn how to end a friend-with-benefits relationship, there’s something you can do. And it’s really simple.
Stop giving the guy the benefits.
Stop answering his booty calls.
I know some women find it hard to do this because they’ve gotten to the point where they’re sexually attached.
But if you’re looking for something serious,
You must find the courage within yourself to stand up for what you want and deserve…
5. He’s Afraid Of Getting Hurt Again
What is his dating history, if any?
Why did he break up with his ex?
Was he in a serious relationship that didn’t work out?
If he was hurt or abused in the past, chances are he’s afraid of getting hurt again.
He doesn’t want to make the relationship official because he believes that by not assigning labels to your relationship,
He’ll be able to bail out at any time and shield himself from experiencing heartbreak…again.
6. He Doesn’t Want To Stop Dating
Probably you’ve been dating for 3 months but not official.
The truth is, he may be seeing other women or actively wanting something serious with them.
He could be flirting and texting back and forth with other women on social media or dating apps.
And he isn’t ready to give all that up.
He is not yet prepared to give up on being single.
By now, the question you’re probably thinking is: How do you change a situationship into a relationship?
Can Situationships Turn Into A Relationship?
Absolutely, but it depends on how much you and your partner want it.
You probably won’t settle down and start a meaningful relationship if you’re alright with hooking up occasionally.
However, suppose you have developed feelings for one another and are willing to put in the effort to forge an emotional bond.
In that case, your situationship will undoubtedly grow into a genuine, established romantic one with time.
Please let’s be clear:
It isn’t something you can do alone.
If he doesn’t want to move the relationship forward and become committed,
Nothing you do will ever change it.
But for the sake of this article, let’s assume he’s ready. Here’s:
How To Turn A Situationship Into A Relationship: 4 Steps To Follow
1. Try To Connect On A Deeper Level
Let each other in.
Sharing your feelings, memories,
And some profound life experiences with one another is the finest approach to forging a solid bond and friendship.
2. Let Him Into Your World
Communicate. Learn more about each other.
Both partners must integrate into one another’s worlds to be genuinely exclusive.
You won’t be able to build solid foundations for a genuine connection until you both open your worlds to one another.
3. Let Go Of Your Insecurities
This goes both ways.
You will never be able to establish and sustain a healthy relationship,
If you let your insecurities, problems with anxiety, or self-esteem come between you.
Whatever issues or wounds you have from previous relationships should be dealt with. Whether fear of being hurt or fear of getting too close.
Whatever it is.
You need to be conscious of your flaws, virtues, and values. What sort of a guy could ever let go of someone like you?
It would help if you didn’t think anything else than that.
He might manipulate or even take advantage of you in his favour if he perceives you have self-awareness problems.
4. Tell Him What You Want
“He wants to be friends with benefits, but I want a relationship.”
So, here’s how to tell a guy you don’t want to be friends with benefits anymore.
It’s pretty simple, actually.
You must be bold enough to take the initiative if the guy doesn’t act decisively.
First, request for a heart-to-heart discussion with him
Don’t nag. Don’t beg. Don’t become emotional either.
Just brace yourself up for whatever answer he gives and be ready to walk away if he isn’t prepared for anything serious.
his reasons don’t even matter.
As long as he isn’t ready to commit, that’s all you need to know.
This talk should define the relationship or end it – once and for all.
This won’t be easy but it’s worth it.
Stop providing him with the benefits of being in a relationship if he doesn’t want to be exclusive.
And be ready to walk away for good.
Frequently Asked Questions
Why Does He Act Like My Boyfriend But Won’t Commit?
For various reasons, a guy acting like a boyfriend but not wanting the title may be a warning sign.
He could be leaving his options open.
He may be taking advantage of you sexually or financially.
Though the stability of a relationship may appeal to him, he may be hesitant to commit totally.
Why Does He Keep Me Around If He Doesn’t Want A Relationship?
He might be carrying some baggage from his past but could still want to be with you.
Perhaps, he wants to proceed cautiously.
Regardless of how he feels about you,
He might have unconsciously associated being in a relationship with being cheated on, hurt, or manipulated.
He probably doesn’t want to lose you and at the same time scared of going all in.
What To Do If He Is Not Ready To Commit?
1. Accept the truth.
2. Communicate your standard.
3. Be willing to compromise.
4. Give yourself enough time to decide.
5. Do a self-check.
6. Be sure to consider all factors.
What Does It Mean When A Guy Says He Just Wants To Be Friends With Benefits?
It falls in the middle of dating and a friendship.
A friend with benefits, or FWB, is a term used to describe relationships between acquaintances that are more than just platonic.
They engage in sexual activities without actually dating.
It differs from hooking up, which usually only occurs once with a new person.
It’s a social condition that is more than a friendship but not quite a relationship.
It doesn’t necessarily rule out a relationship in the future.