I don’t trust my boyfriend anymore after he lied to me.
And now, my insecurities are getting worse.
I love him, but I don’t trust him anymore.
We’ve been dating for almost four years now.
We met on Tinder and continued our long-distance relationship afterward.
Three years later, we moved in together.
We invited several of his friends over for our party a couple of months later.
But then, I noticed his weird behavior with his best friend, a female.
And it got me uncomfortable.
After the party, I asked him if they’d had any history together.
He confessed that they had sex a couple of months before we met and that he had been into her for years, but she didn’t feel the same way.
I felt hurt.
Because he kept it away from me since we’ve been together.
Then, I decided to go through his phone.
I discovered he’d deleted their chats about driving her home a few weeks before and didn’t bother to tell me they were alone… together.
I confronted him, but he denied anything ever happened that night.
I later discovered that he had visited her several times, and they’d both agreed not to tell me about their relationship.
And when I confronted him again, I realized he had lied about most of the things he had told me earlier.
I haven’t been able to trust him since. I keep wondering what other things he’s lying about and hiding from me.
I love him, but I feel betrayed each time this comes up in my mind and can’t seem to let it go.
Should I break up with him?
You’re probably going through the same issues, and I know you can relate. Read on because this article is specifically for you.
I Don’t Trust My Boyfriend Anymore: What To Do And Why You Need To Fix It
1. Decide What Type Of Relationship You Want
What level of honesty do I want from the person I’m with?
And what level of trust do I want to give somebody I’m with?
And both of those things are relevant, but only one of them is under your control.
You can’t control whether your boyfriend lies to you or not.
But you can only control whether you stay with him when he’s lying to you.
What you can control is the level of trust that you give him.
But there are certain relationships where giving all your trust is a losing battle.
Because you know there are reasons not to trust this person, and part of you instinctively feels like whatever is happening now will happen again.
And that’s frightening.
So, you have to decide whether this guy is worth trusting one hundred percent.
And if his actions have shown that you can’t trust him fully, and if you can’t give that standard that you want to give in a relationship, then it’s time to leave.
Because you will not be your true-self in the relationship
Trust me; nothing would make you sleep better at night than being the person you want to be in a relationship.
And right now, it isn’t that he’s doing something you don’t like; it’s that you’re being the person you don’t like as well.
You don’t like being the person that goes through his phone.
You don’t like that moment where you go through his phone or chat and sit there and be proud of yourself. Do you?
So, yeah, that comes with a certain amount of self-resentment, self-loathing because you don’t like what you’re doing.
Here’s what’s interesting:
Sometimes, we need to trust more, but we also need to put ourselves in a relationship where it’s easy to trust.
Where it’s easy to let go and be with that person.
And if you’re someone who’s already feeling those trust issues: feeling betrayed, hurt, increased insecurities and all…
Then you know you’re not in a relationship where it’s easy to trust, especially if he’s giving you many reasons not to.
Here’s what I suggest you do.
You could say to him:
“I know I can’t trust the way I want to in this relationship.
So, we should go our separate ways for now, and if we come back, it’d be from a place of mutual trust and respect.
If I’m going to be in this, I’ll give this one last shot.
Then you go in and tell him that this is where I stand: I don’t want to be anything less than a trusting, loving partner.
And I know I’m not being that when I’m going through your phone or disrespecting your privacy to find things out.
That’s not who I want to be.
But I need to know that I can trust you and that you’re in this.
And if you’re not, then tell me now, and it would be absolutely fine.
If you’re in a stage of your life where you can’t be trustworthy, in a way I need you to be, that’s fine. I respect it, but we have to go our separate ways for now.
But let’s not torture each other.
I don’t want to be the woman torturing you by you feeling like you’re dating a detective.
And it would be best if you weren’t that guy who is torturing me because you’re giving me reasons not to trust you. That’s a toxic relationship, and that’s not what I want.
So, let’s make a decision now as adults.”
Please don’t rely on him to be the grown-up.
You be the grown-up for the both of you by stating your standard and sticking with it.
But, if you insist on staying with him, this next point will significantly help.
2. Give The Amount Of Time And Energy You Are Willing To Lose.
The fact that we believe there will be too much at stake if this person betrays us contributes to some of our problem with trust.
What if, after investing so much time, effort, and love, I end up losing it all and am betrayed or deceived once more?
The problem, though, is that to start something off, we need to put forth some energy and effort.
We can’t sit around doing nothing while we wait for someone to show us that they would always be there as if they were ever truly dependable.
At some point in the beginning, though, we must give some of our time, love, and energy to see what this might be, until we feel secure enough to contribute more.
Conversely, if we ask ourselves, “What am I ready to lose?”
And although we don’t truly lose it because we’re constantly learning, developing,
And having new experiences in life, we do lose it because we don’t end up with that person.
How much time and effort am I willing to sacrifice to see how this turns out?
The next step is to accept it.
For me, it’s an investment. You only invest in financial assets up to the amount you believe you can afford to lose.
I’m investing this amount that I feel comfortable making.
The same applies to dating.
I’ll give as much as I feel safe and am willing to take a loss on.
Because after you’ve done that and mentally calculated the cost, you can give completely.
3. Trust Because It’s Your Standard, Not Because It’s Always Comfortable.
What do you do when you don’t trust your boyfriend anymore?
I believe there are instances when we mix up what feels safe and when we should trust.
However, even when something is unsettling, we should always trust.
It doesn’t mean we shouldn’t trust if our partner enters a situation that we see as mildly scary or intimidating; it just means we must now base our trust on a new premise.
Or, to put it another way, what supports our trust now is that this is my standard, not that I feel genuinely comfortable.
I don’t always visit the gym simply because I feel like it.
I visit the gym because it meets my requirement for good health.
The same applies;
You act a certain way because it’s who you want to be, not because it makes you feel comfortable.
4. Use Trust As A Way To Make Your Relationship More Beautiful.
If you give it some thought, you’d realize that one of the things we do as a result of lacking trust in someone is that the relationship itself becomes defined by the lack of trust.
It’s as if the element we use to describe the relationship is the same one we’re most terrified of.
If you’re concerned that your boyfriend could attend a party where there are attractive people who could pose a threat, you might tell him, “I won’t allow you to go to parties.”
Even if he had been in that scenario and hadn’t acted improperly,
You’ve framed your relationship as one in which you think he is that person, and that defines the narrative of your relationship.
Trusting your boyfriend should be your standard for your relationship,
And if he’s doing something that would make it difficult for you to trust him, then you should leave.
5. Trust Not That Someone Will Never Hurt You, But That You’ll Be Fine Even If They Do.
We are aware that in any relationship, there is a chance that someone will either decide they no longer wants to be there, or betray us directly.
We usually don’t receive any notification for that, too.
Breakups that we don’t anticipate can be the most traumatic.
These are the ones that seriously undermine our sense of security for the future.
Because when we can’t anticipate something happening, we can take that belief with us into the next relationship, believing that at any moment, the other boot could drop…
That this guy could decide he wanted to leave without telling me, and I wouldn’t know until I took the punch, until expectedly, that heart-rending news hit.
But you’ve got to keep reminding yourself that you’re a person with a different mindset now than you had in the past.
You’ve survived it then, which means you can come of it again and again and still find someone new even if something goes wrong.
You believe amazing opportunities await you ahead even if things don’t work out as planned.
So instead of believing that this person will never hurt me, I will trust them.
By the way, we want to be sure that we show affection, investment, and attention to someone with a positive track record.
However, even when they’ve shown us all the appropriate signs, there is always a chance that anything could go wrong.
Our brain rationally understands that it would be foolish to base our confidence on the notion that nothing could go wrong.
The assurance, though, might come from realizing that, no matter what, you are a resilient,
Capable person who has successfully navigated difficult situations in the past.
In fact, you’ll be able to handle them better than you have in the past.
If you meet someone you think deserves your trust, love them so passionately that if they betray it,
Their pain will be greater since you’ll be the most loving person that they ever had.
Frequently Asked Questions
Should I Break Up When I Don’t Trust Him Anymore? I Still Love Him A Lot
This is your call to make.
But here’s what I want you to understand.
Can you live with him the rest of your life if he doesn’t change?
If you decide to stay and he doesn’t change, can you be happy, loving, and trusting without nagging, whining, and complaining?
Because here’s the truth, if you stay and he doesn’t change, you’ll never be secure in that relationship.
You’ll constantly be monitoring what he’s doing and who he is talking to…and prying into his privacy, which will be a big problem in the relationship.
I’m sure that’s not the kind of life you want to lead.
In fact, it could even lead to him breaking up with you.
So, decide the kind of relationship you want and set your standards.
How Do I Learn To Trust My Boyfriend? He Hasn’t Done Anything Wrong, But My Anxiety Is Taking Over Our Lives?
It means you’re the problem if a guy hasn’t given you any reason not to trust him.
Learn to manage your anxiety. Go back and read this article carefully to learn how. Or, see a therapist.
I Love My Boyfriend, But I Just Can’t Trust Him, What Do I Do?
Being in love with someone and trusting them are two entirely different mental states.
People frequently mix up the two, but I trust my boyfriend because I love him.
I love him because I trust in him.
You probably noticed that each mental state depends on the others in this situation.
However, unlike programming algorithms and looping logic, relationships and emotions are not like that.
Just because you’re in love with someone doesn’t mean you have to stay with them.
Trust, in my opinion, is the unifying element and the cornerstone of any relationship.
The future of every relationship, not simply the present, is determined by trust.
And like broken glass, trust can never be repaired to have the same brightness.
Even with time, trust may occasionally improve, but it will never be the same.
When trust is broken, sorry means nothing.
You have to decide the kind of relationship you want to be in.
And find someone with the same views.
Can I Ever Trust Him Again?
A relationship can be repaired.
But your partner must be able to demonstrate through their words and actions that they’re willing to earn it.
Whether it’s worthwhile depends on the demands of your relationship and whether you both believe you can rebuild trust.
But understand that it takes time to rebuild trust. In fact, it literally takes forever once it’s violated.
He needs to prove he can be trusted.